....when sanctimonious Republican assholes don't live up to the standards
they want to shove down everyone else's throat.

Rick Santorum Files for Divorce, Blames Gays
Jul 29, 2013


According to papers signed by an Allegheny County judge, the former
Republican presidential candidate cited irreconcilable differences with
his wife of 23 years.

The move comes as a shock to the family and friends of the couple, who
have seven children together and always projected an air of marital
bliss. But in an interview outside the courthouse with local television
station WPAV, Santorum said that he had no choice.

"Unfortunately the homosexuals have ruined my marriage," he explained to
reporter Bruce Nolan. "Every year more and more of them get married, and
every year the relationship with my wife gets worse.

"Ever since the Supreme Court struck down DOMA, we've been sleeping in
separate rooms. It's like I don't even know who she is anymore. This is
what the gays want: to destroy the institution of marriage. We won't be
the last."

Square Peg, Round Hole

According to the filing, the pair have agreed to split all assets
equally and share joint custody of their children. His wife will keep
the family home and automobiles, while Santorum will keep most of the
couple's wardrobe.

Several seasoned divorce attorneys say that such an amicable financial
settlement is unusual. But in an exclusive interview Santorum explains
money was never really the issue.

"The real problem was in the bedroom," he says. "My wife kept
complaining that I talked too much about gay sex while we were making love.

"I was just trying to explain how all the anal and oral things they do
are filthy and disgusting compared to our intercourse. But apparently my
wife didn't appreciate hearing about bears and twinks while I was inside
of her."

Santorum says he's ready to move on and has already started leasing a
bachelor pad in the Logan Circle neighborhood of Washington, D.C.

"Single life is going to be hard," he laments. "There aren't a lot of
women interested in an aging father of seven. I might have to get
creative about who I date."

Santorum served as Pennsylvania's senator from 1995 to 2007. He
unsuccessfully pursued the Republican nomination for president in 2012,
placing second behind Mitt Romney.

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Great gag. Love it.