G.O.P. Freshmen Saddened by Failure to Shut Down Government on First Day


WASHINGTON —Just hours after being sworn in at the U.S. Capitol, the
freshman class of House Republicans said that they were disappointed
that they failed to shut down the government on their first day in office.

“We were all like, ‘O.K., we’re sworn in, let’s shut this thing down,’”
said freshman Rep. Byron Ernie (R-Kentucky). “We were all pretty bummed
that the government just kept running.”

Rep. Ernie acknowledged that it might have been “overly optimistic” of
the freshman Republicans to expect to engineer a government shutdown on
their very first day, “but bringing the government to a random
standstill was the whole reason we became Republicans,” he said.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) chuckled good-naturedly
at the ambitions of the high-spirited G.O.P. freshmen, telling
reporters, “I remember what it was like to be young and full of big
ideas about crippling our historic institutions for no discernible
reason whatsoever. There’s nothing like your first time.”

Surveying the cherubic faces of the incoming Republicans, he said,
“They’re like kids who want to close down a candy store.”

Looking beyond the disappointment of his first day, Rep. Ernie said he
was looking forward to “that magical day” when he and his fellow
Republican freshmen get to participate in their very first government
shutdown: “We’ll be paralyzing the government in the same building where
John Boehner and Eric Cantor did it, and Newt Gingrich before them. It’s
like playing basketball in the same arena as Michael Jordan.”

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From Andy Borowitz, of course.