December 1, 2011
Gingrich: ‘I’ve Screwed All the Women I Want – All That’s Left is America’
Newt Wows GOP with Fidelity Pledge

DAVENPORT, IOWA (The Borowitz Report) – GOP presidential frontrunner
Newt Gingrich today vowed that his days of infidelity were behind him,
telling an audience in Iowa, “I’ve screwed all the women I want – all
that’s left is America.”

Mr. Gingrich added that as President, “I will be one hundred percent
faithful to the United States of America, unless of course it gets
cancer or something.”

He also scoffed at rival Mitt Romney’s attempts to portray himself as a
happily married family man: “The only reason Mitt Romney hasn’t had any
sex scandals is he keeps changing positions.”
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From Andy Borowitz, of course, one of the funniest guys (along with
Lewis Black), in America.