May 31, 2011
Republicans Propose Replacing Social Security with Groupons
Plan Would Offer Deep Discounts for Cat Food, Surgery

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Presenting what he called a
revolutionary plan to slash the nation’s mountain of debt, Rep. Paul
Ryan (R-WI) today proposed eliminating the Social Security program in
its entirety and replacing it with Groupons.

“Instead of waiting each month for a check from Social Security,
America’s elderly will receive valuable Groupons for everything they
need, from Ramen noodles to cat food to caskets,” Mr. Ryan said in an
appearance on Fox News.

Adding that Groupons would also help provide for elders’ medical needs,
the congressman illustrated his point by holding up a Groupon offering
30 percent off on open-heart surgery in Cincinnati.

Moving on from Social Security, Mr. Ryan also proposed replacing
Medicare with a new program in which seniors are shot at by Predator drones.

Additionally, Mr. Ryan said, in his new budget so-called “friends with
benefits” would lose their benefits.

“If they’re really friends, they should be satisfied if the evening ends
with a voucher,” he said.

Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing alongside Rep. Ryan,
offered these words of praise for the Wisconsin congressman: “Preachers
like Harold Camping go around predicting the end of the world, but it’s
guys like Paul Ryan who do the hard work of making it happen.”
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