God: ‘I’ll End the World When I’m Good and Ready, Me Damn It’
Almighty Holds Rare Press Conference

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – After a much-heralded End of the World
failed to materialize on the appointed day, May 21, Almighty God held a
rare press conference in New York to discuss the matter.

Dressed in His trademark flowing white robe and carrying a thunderbolt,
God seemed visibly irked by the predictions calling for the world to end
this Saturday.

“I’ll end the world when I’m good and ready, Me damn it,” He snapped in
response to a question from a USA Today reporter.

When asked if He had a message for the faithful who had expected the
world to end today, the Almighty cracked, “They should be grateful for
the eleven years they’ve had since the world ended on Y2K.”

God was cagey about setting an exact date for the end of the world,
saying only, “When I decide to end the world I’ll let you know the way I
always do – on Twitter.”

After the press conference, a publicist for God confirmed that the
Heavenly Father was annoyed at having to talk to reporters to address
the end of the world rumors: “Honestly, I haven’t seen Him this ****ed
since Pat Robertson blamed a tsunami on the gays.”

Elsewhere, Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world
would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: “"The world
doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sorry."