nom=de=plume wrote:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

The vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turns around, and leaves the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room..

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.

------

A guy is in the hospital with a very serious lung infection. He's required
to wear a mask at all times.

On the second day of his stay, a nurse comes in with a clipboard. She tells
him he's doing better. He responds with, "Can you please tell me if my
testicles are black?"

She's a bit shocked and says, "But sir, your lung infection has nothing to
do with that. You're getting better!"

He says, "That's nice but could you please tell me if my testicles are
black."

She responds, "Are you joking with me?"

He responds, "No. Can you please tell me if my testicles are black,
damnit!!"

So, she lifts up the sheet, holds up his penis, takes a look at his
testicles, puts the penis back down, and covers him up with the sheet. She
tells him, "Your testicles are not black!"

He reaches up, pulls down the mask, and says, "That's nice, but can you tell
me if my TEST RESULTS ARE BACK!"


Best jokes I've seen here in a long time.
Thanks.
But don't get the idea that makes me sweet on you.