From http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ed_over_how_to

WASHINGTON-After months of committee meetings and hundreds of hours of
heated debate, the United States Congress remained deadlocked this week over
the best possible way to deny Americans health care.

"Both parties understand that the current system is broken," House Speaker
Nancy Pelosi told reporters Monday. "But what we can't seem to agree upon is
how to best keep it broken, while still ensuring that no elected official
takes any political risk whatsoever. It's a very complicated issue."

"Ultimately, though, it's our responsibility as lawmakers to put these
differences aside and focus on refusing Americans the health care they
deserve," Pelosi added.

The legislative stalemate largely stems from competing ideologies deeply
rooted along party lines. Democrats want to create a government-run system
for not providing health care, while Republicans say coverage is best denied
by allowing private insurers to make it unaffordable for as many citizens as
possible.

"We have over 40 million people without insurance in this country today, and
that is unacceptable," Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said. "If we would just quit
squabbling so much, we could get that number up to 50 or even 100 million.
Why, there's no reason we can't work together to deny health care to
everyone but the richest 1 percent of the population."

"That's what America is all about," he added.

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said on Meet The Press that
Republicans would never agree to a plan that doesn't allow citizens the
choice to be denied medical care in the private sector.

"Americans don't need some government official telling them they don't have
the proper coverage to receive treatment," Boehner said. "What they need is
massive insurance companies to become even more rich and powerful by
withholding from average citizens the care they so desperately require.
We're talking about people's health and the obscene profits associated with
that, after all."

Though there remain irreconcilable points, both parties have reached some
common ground in recent weeks. Senate leaders Harry Reid (D-NV) and Mitch
McConnell (R-KY) point to Congress' failure to pass legislation before a
July 31 deadline as proof of just how serious lawmakers are about stringing
along the American people and never actually reforming the health care
industry in any meaningful way.

"People should know that every day we are working without their best
interests in mind," Reid said. "But the goal here is not to push through
some watered-down bill that only denies health care to a few Americans here
and a few Americans there. The goal is to recognize that all Americans have
a God-given right to proper medical attention and then make sure there's no
chance in hell that ever happens."

"No matter what we come up with," Reid continued, "rest assured that
millions of citizens will remain dangerously uninsured, and the inflated
health care industry will continue to bankrupt the country for decades."

Other lawmakers stressed that, while there has been some progress, the
window of cooperation was closing.

"When you get into the nuts and bolts of how best not to provide people with
care essential to their survival, there are many things to take into
consideration," Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) said. "I believe we can create
a plan for Americans that allows them to not be able to go to the hospital,
not get the treatment they need, and ultimately wither away and die. But
we've got to act fast."

For his part, President Barack Obama claimed to be optimistic, even saying
he believes that a health care denial bill will pass in both houses of
Congress by the end of the year.

"We have an opportunity to do something truly historic in 2009," Obama said
to a mostly silent crowd during a town hall meeting in Virginia yesterday.
"I promise I will only sign a clear and comprehensive health care bill that
fully denies coverage to you, your sick mother, her husband, middle-class
Americans, single-parent households, the unemployed, and most importantly,
anyone in need of emergency medical attention."

"This administration is committed to not providing health care," Obama
added. "Not just for this generation of Americans, but for many generations
to come."



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"Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned
benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others." - Ayn
Rand