This has been around, but I'd not seen it in a long time. It made me spill
coffee again this time!


************************************************** ************************************
After every flight Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet",
which tells the mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots
review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said
that the ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Quantas
pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an
S)
by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Quantas is the only major airline
in
the world that has never, ever, had an accident!



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.



P: Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: The number 3 engine is missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one.)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



And the best one saved for last..



P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.
************************************************** ************************
--
John H

"All decisions are the result of binary thinking."