No one died when Clinton lied.

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're
a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our
prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money
but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain
of illness.

4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your workers and moving
their jobs to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
Hillary Clinton.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops
in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at
heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science,
but creationism should be taught in schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when
Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business
with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden"
diversion.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. Similarly
his service record flying publicly funded aircraft is also none of
the public's business. And don't even thing about Cheney's
Halliburton/Energy Policy.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a
right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national
interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international
harmony.

Capt. Jeff