This is starting to sound like a challenge ;-)

Don W.

Chuck Cox wrote:

An over-simplified summary of the process as I imagine it:

Boil 5 gallons of water, malt extract & hop pellets for an hour.
Get distracted because your "crew" just made an accidental jibe.
Return to galley to find your kettle has boiled over and you have dark
sticky burnt sugar water in all the places you can't clean but can smell
on a hot humid day.
Allow to cool for a few hours to room temperature.
Siphon "wort" to primary fermenter. Try to spill less than 50%.
Add yeast packets.
No, you can't drink it yet.
Threaten your "crew" with the plank if they mess with the fermenter for
the next few weeks. Ignore complaints about it being in the way.
At night you have something new to worry about; will the fermenter explode.
At 0300 you either hit a log or your fermenter just blew the airlock
into the ceiling. Fortunately it's not a log, unfortunately your
fermenter just spewed a mixture of dead yeast, soggy hop fragments and
protein solids all over the cabin. At least that'll cover up the smell
of the boilover on hot humid days. You won't find the airlock until an
excited customs dog finds it for you months later.
Once the primary fermentation has subsided, siphon to a clean, sterile
secondary fermenter. Try to spill less than 50%. Repeat threats to
crew. Relax, beer rarely explodes at this point in the process, unless
the temperature spikes.
No, you can't drink it yet.
Wait a few more weeks while it conditions and clarifies.
No, you can't drink it yet.
Siphon to a clean, sterile keg. Try to spill less than 50%. Natural
conditioning is for sissies, use forced carbonation. You did refill
your CO2 tank at the last port didn't you?
No, you can't drink it yet.
Wait another week for it to carbonate and condition.
OK, you can drink it now.

If there was too little oxygen at the beginning the yeast won't be
vigorous enough to dominate the bacteria and it'll taste like nasty
sugar water.
If there was too much oxygen at the end it'll oxidize and taste like wet
cardboard.
If there was too much sunlight, the hops will break down and it'll smell
skunky.
If it was too hot the fermentation will produce lots of higher alcohols
and fusel oils which will turbo-charge your hangover.
If you didn't ferment long enough it'll taste like sugar water.
If you fermented too long, the dead yeast cells will start to autolyze
and give your beer a nice MSG-like protein flavor.
If you got it just right, your "crew" will make the beer disappear and
you have to start all over.

FOR EXTRA CREDIT: Take your brewing ingredients through customs.
Customs agents love it when you try to bring in a big bag of green
sticky leafy material and a couple of big bags of tan-colored powder.
Ask me how I know.