Joe wrote:
You could not handle our Salsa yankee boy.

Better stick to squirty cheese on your chips.


** * ** * ** begin quote ** * ** * **
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cookoff, because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in
sick
at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

ME: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are
crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno
tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

ME: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the
front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.

ME: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

ME: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

ME: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other
judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

ME: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally the
barmaid.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

ME: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.
Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

DOC: -------(Judge #3 was unable to report)