By Bill Maher



March 20, 2004 | Five British Muslims who were recently sent home from
our prison at Guantánamo charge that their American captors brought in
prostitutes to taunt them, because most had never even seen a naked
woman before. It made me wonder how many members of al-Qaida have ever
even dated a girl. We should hire women to infiltrate al-Qaida cells,
and **** them.

Things would change quickly. Because young Muslim men don't really hate
America, they're jealous of America. We have rap videos, the Hilton
sisters and magazines with titles like "Barely Legal." You know what's
barely legal in Afghanistan? Everything.

Young men need sex, and if they don't get it for month after month after
month, they wind up cursing the day they ever decided to go to Cornell.

Have you ever wondered why the word from the Arab street is so angry?
It's because it's a bunch of guys standing in the street! Which is what
guys do when they don't have girlfriends, or aren't allowed to even talk
to a girl -- of course they want to commit suicide. Unlike this country,
where it's the married guys who wanna kill themselves.

But here, we always have hope. You can at least talk to a girl, and one
might be crazy enough to go for you. Or you could get rich, and buy one,
like folks do where I live in Beverly Hills.

The connection between no sex and anger is real: It's why prizefighters
stay celibate when they're in training, so that on fight night they're
****ed off and ready to kill. It's why football players don't have sex
after Wednesday. And, conversely, it's why Bill Clinton never started a war.

So to paraphrase the sign in his old war room: It's the pussy, stupid.
We need the Coalition of the Willing to be reallywilling. We need to
mobilize two divisions of skanks, a regiment of ho's, and a brigade of
girls who just can't say no. All under the command of Col. Ann Coulter,
who'll be dressed in her "Ilsa, She-Wolf of the S.S." uniform.

Forget the Peace Corps, we need a piece-of-ass-corps. Girls, there's a
cure to terrorism, and you're sitting on it.