Betty Bowers' Christmas 2005 Newsletter


Seasons Bleatings to those few remaining unindicted Republicans out there
whose unblinking loyalty cannot be diluted by the vicious media's newfound,
punctilious obsession with unpatriotic facts!

Friends, it is the Christmas season, and you know what that means. Yes, once
again, it is time to be on vigilant lookout for malicious seasonal affronts
by complete strangers. Such barbarous insults will most often come in the
form of a foully exclaimed "Happy Holidays!" disingenuously palmed off by
the irretrievably unsaved as a benign pleasantry.

As Christians, it is essential to remain cognizant of the seemingly
illogical fact that even though we constitute the vast preponderance of
Americans, we are constantly the object of cruel persecution by the majority
of our fellow citizens. And during the Christmas season this insidious
anti-Christian harassment most often takes the creatively sneaky form of
politeness by strangers.

Therefore, it is imperative that when you see someone baring a charming
smile or other outward signs of a predisposition to warmly greet (be alert
for nefarious waves or other gestures meant to disarm you), you must be
ready to verbally pummel this would-be well-wisher with fiery, barbed
indignation. When some Darwin-worshipper or yarmulke-sporting outsider
wishes you, say, "A joyous Holiday Season," treat their shocking rudeness as
an opportunity to upbraid them for failing to investigate the god you
worship before impetuously rushing into attempts at convivial greeting.
Indeed, if someone has the temerity to wish you a so-called "Happy
Holidays," you must be prepared to rebuke them with a ferocity that would
melt an obese snowman from forty paces.

The following Christmas-themed rejoinder has served me rather well when
confronted by a cheerful stranger on the other side of a stack of cashmere
cardigans at Saks, and I give you full license to use it without attribution
or provocation:

"Pardon me, but who the H E double-L do you think you are muttering your
saccharine, inclusive good wishes to me, an evangelical Christian? If you
can't have the decency to specifically acknowledge my personal brand of
faith, you can kindly shut your evolution-espousing cakehole, Missy!"

After the relentless quality of your pious wrath has had a moment to settle
in on the supposedly genial secular humanist, turn the other cheek and offer
the Christ-like salutation:

"May the love and peace of my Lord Jesus be with all mankind this
Christmas -- even unsaved trash like you, who run about spewing pagan
incantations of jollity! Merry Christmas!"

You will then be free to turn your attention more fully to the raison d'etre
for celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus in the first place (black Amex
card wielding shopping!), sanguine in the knowledge that you have just
treated someone to a mild preview of the humiliating public scolding that
awaits her on Judgment Day. The godly bonus for your unction is that you
will have sufficiently startled the heathen shopper just long to pry the
last crocodile Asprey handbag from her disoriented, weakened grasp. Verily,
you will be at the cash register before she even realizes that she was just
slapped by the blunt backhand of righteousness! Glory!

Stand ready to pointedly correct any unauthorized display of mirth or
unapproved appellations throughout December. It is not a Holiday Tree, it is
a Christmas Tree! And why is it a Christmas tree? Well, because that is what
our Christian forefathers decided to call it almost 2,000 years ago. That is
when they resourcefully stole it and the entire Winter Solstice Holiday from
the pagans and, with nary an alteration, rechristened the wildly popular
ancient holiday "The Christmas Shopping Season." They may have had it first,
but we are louder!

No one understands the importance of rebranding better than we
image-conscious Republicans. William Shakespeare was amusingly naïve when he
suggested that a McDonald's french fry would taste just as withered, salty
and cold if called a Freedom Fry. But Americans are always more observant of
what something is called, rather than what it actually is. Otherwise, we
would take time from work in early November for "Uncounted Gestures," rather
than "Voting," Barbara Walters would be statutorily barred from referring to
Teri Hatcher as "fascinating," and loyally regurgitating partisan talking
points would not be called "Fair and Balanced" unless accompanied by a smirk
and derisive laughter.

While I tend to pay scrupulous attention to labels in garments, the
significance of other labels is not lost on even our tenaciously incurious
President. After all, he was shrewd enough this week to finally repackage
his long standing "Unplanned Defeat" in Iraq as a "Plan for Victory" in Iraq
without changing anything other than the words on the colorful backdrop
behind him.

But outside of the incidental (well, daily) $5,000/plate GOP fundraiser, our
President asks for surprisingly little before agreeing to prevaricate by
rote in front of large groups of people. Indeed, except for an easily
digestible jingoistic catchphrase on a PowerPoint milieu, Mr. Bush's only
prerequisite is a group in military uniform that asks no unvetted questions
and doesn't churlishly calibrate its applause to respond to the actual
content of the speech. Regrettably, the only thing more difficult to find
than such a compliant prop for the President's televised speeches this
Christmastime is a Republican not under criminal investigation.

This is in spite of the fact that the news from Iraq is surprisingly good.
Well, it should be at those prices! Yes, as I am sure you have heard, in a
felicitous effort to make Iraq more like America (a hearty Christian
shout-out to Maggie "Talk To Me About the Surprisingly Cheap Price of My
Opinions" Gallagher!), our government has been paying for propaganda to be
featured in the Iraqi press.

Karl Rove, nimbly one barely discernible step ahead of a gaining Patrick
Fitzgerald, defended the administration's extravagant policy of paying al a
carte for news by saying, "When reality gives you lemons, shift enough money
from covert concentration camps around to buy yourself some lemonade!"

Wishing you and your ferociously evangelical, Republican family a lovely
CHRISTMAS as you open extravagant gifts, sip Swiss Miss cocoa, watch Fox
News and contemplate "Whom Would Jesus Torture?" on Baby Jesus Day.

So Close to Jesus, His Brusque Christmas Shopping Has Made Me Persona non
Grata at Dolce & Gabbana,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's Best Christian

Do your Christmas Shopping at Betty's Store! CLICK HERE TO SEE


Season's Bleatings Card from Rush, Bill, Sean & Ann

"Have You Accepted Jesus as Your Personal Shopper?" Card

"Season's Beatings" card

Tree Ornaments Are In And fabulous new Christmas Cards


Have yourself a Red State Christmas!

Christmas cheer from a Dick (Cheney, that is)

Christmas Spirits from the Drunks in the White House

2006 Calendars

"Who Would Jesus Torture?" black shirts




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