Stolen from the internet:


A Frank Study on What Makes a Political Liberal
You've probably heard about the Berkeley study done with your tax dollars on
what makes a political conservative. Here are the factors they identified:

* Fear and aggression
* Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity
* Uncertainty avoidance
* Need for cognitive closure
* Terror management

Funny enough, I had been doing my own study about what makes a political
liberal. I think mine was much more efficient, because I traced it to a
single factor:

* They're f'ing morons

As evidence of this finding, just listen to any liberal. Ever read anything
from Noam Chomsky? What a dumbass. Ever seen an article in The Nation? You
can almost imagine the drool stains on the original copy of whomever wrote
it. Heard Michael Moore speak? Than man is fat and ugly! While that doesn't
prove or disprove my theory, he's also a nitwit, which goes with my
findings.

And ever see a bunch of liberals get together for a protest? It's like a
whole gaggle of retards! You almost expect, that with that much stupidity in
one area, it will collapse upon itself and from a logic black hole, sucking
in all sense that gets near it.

And then there is liberal Hollywood where people are about as dumb as you
can be without forgetting to breathe. It's like that to get into Hollywood
you need to take an intelligence test, and they'll only let you in if it
comes up negative.

Then there are liberal congressmen and women. I've seen them argue on
C-SPAN, and they're so moronic I want to hit them with rocks (there's that
aggression).

Well, I think my study was pretty thorough on what makes a liberal, but what
I really want to find is how to cure it. Liberals seems to protect their
idiocy by forming some sort of force field of pure stupidity, a force field
so strong that logic can't penetrate it. What can penetrate it, though, is a
large stick. Such an item is known to the scientific community as a "whomp'n
stick".

What I want to find out is if by whomp'n a liberal whenever he says
something stupid, can I train him away from liberalism through pure pain
avoidance. My theory is that it will cause conservatism as defined by the
Berkeley study:

* Fear and aggression - Fear of a whomp'n
* Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity - "Are you going to whomp me or
not?"
* Uncertainty avoidance - "I'll stay quiet so I don't get whomped."
* Need for cognitive closure - "Someone patch up this head wound."
* Terror management - "I'll crouch in the corner and be quiet so the scary
man doesn't whomp me."

So there is the study: will a group of liberal who gets whomped have more
converts to conservatism than a control group with no whomp'n.

Ahh... screw the control group; I'm going to whomp 'em both.

Now all I need is millions in a government grant and a stick fit for
whomp'n.

Oh, and I'll need liberal volunteers. The Berkeley scientists from the
previous study are sure free to help out in this one.

WHOMP! WHOMP!