Ganz wrote:


Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was
our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my
sweet girl What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety -- way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so
disappointed. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back
and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

Awesome!!! but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to
give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in
another. The directions said that; a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less
than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to
say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny
lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
GUACAMOLE!DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the
carpet over and over again I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a
relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a
reward.

Still in shock,
Tommy