White House Releases List of Approved Questions for Press Conferences

From the Desk of Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

Due to recent events, specifically the rudeness with which Jim Acosta
accosted one of our own staffers during a press conference earlier this
week, the White House has released the official list of approved
questions reporters may ask the President of the United States of America.

Reporters from every news network except Fox News, but especially
Counterfeit News Network (CNN), must adhere to and not deviate from the
following list of questions and topics during any press conference
henceforth:

• On a scale ranging from “Great” to “Tremendously Great,” just how
great are you?

• Who do you think is the most successful president this country has
ever known, and why?

• Kellyanne Conway: Hot or not?

• I’m thinking about building a wall around my house…do you have any
advice on the best way to proceed?

• You know a lot about making deals. How can I get my neighbor’s dog to
stop pooping in my driveway? Should I bribe my neighbor or should I just
have him deported?

• There’s a coffee stain on my Klan robe. May I borrow one of yours?

• You and Vladimir are pretty tight these days. Can you tell us the
secret to a lasting relationship with another dictator? How do you keep
the spark alive?

• Jeff Sessions left the White House in a hurry. Prior to his departure,
did he give you any indication about where his pot of gold is hidden?

• Let’s talk about losers and haters. Which one is worse?

• You’ve said before that the best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower
Grill. What are your feelings on cilantro?

If a reporter in any way deviates from the aforementioned list of
approved questions and topics, he/she will immediately lose access to
the White House and shall face the President’s merciless wrath on
Twitter, a barrage of verbal terror for which there will be no end.

All hail the tangerine son of the dark lord; may we bathe in his light
and may his Kool-Aid continue to wash over us like golden showers from
above.


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