A different take on oil
 

Ok I think its time to take Tom out fishing ....wait we cant do that I
converted his new engines over to run on turkey fuel............Sorry Tom
couldnt resist ;o)

Ed
"Shortwave Sportfishing" wrote in message
...
From "The Bleat" by James Lileks.

Fill 'er up w/ turkey-guy biodiesel, or, the energy problem solved in
700 facile words. (Newhouse column.)

Oh, stop complaining about high gasoline prices. Adjusted for
inflation it's still not as costly as it would have been in 27 AD,
when the cost of pumping by hand and straining light sweet crude
through slave livers would have been ruinous. And it's still cheaper
than it was in 1981, before Ronald Reagan brought the price down by
firing the air controllers, who stopped driving to work and thus
reduced demand. Or something like that. In any case, it could be
worse.

What's that, you say? You live in the present, and hence are
disinclined to accept windy bromides about historical trends? Well,
you have a point. So what to do about our gas crisis? The options are
few, but clear. Start with this: The government cut taxes on gas to
put money back in people's pockets, and reduces the regulatory
obstacles to new refinery construction.

(pause)

(snicker)

(Gales of laughter; wiping tears from eyes) Oh, that's a good one,
isn't it. Okay, let's consider some serious ideas.

* Drive less. Especially you people in North Dakota who insist on
getting in the car to go five miles in sleet just to pick up some
medicine. Buy your pills online, and let UPS deliver it. Their trucks
run on magic pixy dust.

* Alternative Fuels. Go ahead, come up with a substitute; no one's
stopping you. Except of course the oil company Black Ops teams. Last
week they took out a dude who invented an engine that ran on hemp and
turkey guts. True, man. Read it on the internet. That's why there's no
substitute for gas right now - has nothing to do with technological
and distribution barriers. It's all the assassins Texaco hires.

* Confiscate the Iraqi oilfields. As long as we're going to be accused
of fighting a war for oil, might as well get some gas out of it. The
Iraqi government is subsidizing gas for its own people; odd how we
don't get the same benefit. It's almost as if we think forging a
constitution and birthing a civil society is more important than
diverting Iraqi crude to American cars. As the Simpsons' Comic Book
Guy would say: Worst. Imperialists. Ever.

* Drill! Drill everywhere!. Not just Alaska, but California. Florida,
too. To heck with what Jeb Bush wants; put those platforms so close to
the coast you could incorporate them into golf courses. Drill in
Central Park if you have to. Would the aesthetic damage be more
important than the economic damage caused by high oil costs?

Depends on who you ask. New Yorkers, who think the island runs on ego
juice distilled from brokers and real-estate moguls, say YES. Because
oil is bad and ugly and gives the Artic Ice Shelf cancer. But drilling
no longer requires big gushing structures that look like an Eiffel
tower for hillbillies. You could probably hide a drill in a nice
office building. It would look peculiar in ANWAR, granted; the caribou
would have trouble breeding, because they'd never get past lobby
security. But in New York, who'd know?

Doesn't matter: for some, it's not just the sight of a drilling rig
that offends. It's the moral stain inherent in oil production, an
ethical taint that touches everything. (Except the tasty fresh
transported into the city, of course.) Okay, then: give the nation's
artists free hand to decorate the derricks as they please. Funded by
the NEA. It would cause some people to seize up and fall over. Must -
hate - derrick - yet - derrick - is - culturally - transgressive. Does
- not - compute.

* Nuclear power. You know, like the French. Heck, it's so great even
the Iranians want it, and surely anyone who's got the international
trademark on "Death to America" must be on to something.

To sum up: We could drill more, build more domestic refineries, build
new nuke plants and slash government taxes on gas. Or we could have
federal mandates on fuel economy and carpooling, so you're forced to
sit in a tiny box arguing about the radio with a stranger who applies
"Brut" with a hose. Sure, you lose some freedom, but ANWAR remains
pristine, and Malibu beach houses don't have their sunsets spoiled.

The owners will wave thanks as they pass overhead in their private
jets.