A New Day for 'Ultra-Compassionates'

AP
Aug 17, 2009

Looking to reshape the narrative in light of the fury of negative
feedback in recent townhall meetings across the country, the Obama
administration has decided to undergo further wordsmithing in an
effort to win hearts and souls. The President's newly appointed
Compassion Czar, Robert Loveless, pointed out that certain 'sobriquet'
that have been used in the national conversatioin in recent weeks to
describe Americans that have vehemently expressed opposition to the
administrations health care reform initiatives will be replaced by
more empathetic appellations. Instead of using terms such as idiots,
teabaggers, lamebrains, brown-shirts, morons, @*%$-for-brains,
numbskulls, gangsters, and terrorists, the new tack will be to replace
the verbiage with terms such as "concerned citizens" or "caring
neighbors." "We decided that if we are going to project ourselves as
being truly compassionate that we were going to have to portray that
image, not just give it lip service," said Loveless, who has a entire
panel of wordsmithers that he has assembled from select members of the
liberal student body at Columbia University to try to hammer out
language that elicits a harmonious tone. Said Loveless, "This is a
formidible task, to be sure, in light of the fact that such language
of commiseration and empathy is foriegn to us. But, when you're
talking about finding ways to actually be compassionate in your speech
in addressing over half of the American population, you have to
marshall all possible resources to find the appropriate language. In
fact, our first step was to rename ourselves, those that have
unfortunately expressed our antipathy for bitter-clingers (just
kidding). Liberals, progressives, socialists, and leftists are now
"ultra-compassionates." When asked how many terms his word-force had
been able to find so far that might replace the more pejorative
language, Loveless said, "So far, only two. Like I mentioned,
actually being compassionate is a new game for us."

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