Ouch
 

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything!"

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "a
beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this
taste funny to you?"

Patient; "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor; "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient; "Is it common?"
Doctor; "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Next?

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can
do?'

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room."

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



The Master Chief Petty Officer

A crusty old Master Chief Petty Officer found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely
young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Master
Chief for conversation.

"Excuse me, Master Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax
and
enjoy yourself."
The Master Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against him and said, "Wow,
you
sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Master Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice,
"I hope not, ma'am, it's only 2130 now."

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



22 Ways to be an Outstanding Democrat


1. You have to be against capital punishment, but
support abortion on demand.


2. You have to believe that businesses create
oppression and governments create prosperity.


3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of
law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S.
nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and
North Korean communists.


4. You have to believe that there was no art before
Federal funding.


5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less
affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's
climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.


6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial
but being homosexual is natural.


7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by
a lack of federal funding.


8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't
teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach
those same kids about sex.


9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about
nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of
San Francisco do.


10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more
important than actually doing something to earn it.


11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25
million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ
for financial gain only.


12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it
supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU
is good because it supports certain parts of the
Constitution.


13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM
fees are too high.


14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria
Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas
Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, Thomas Edison and A. G.
Bell.


15. You have to believe that standardized tests are
racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.


16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal
and is a very nice person.


17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism
hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right
people haven't been in charge.


18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth
belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in
the White House.


19. You have to believe that homosexual parades
displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be
constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas
should be illegal.


20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party
funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best
interest of the United States.


21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a
vast, right wing conspiracy.


22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal
workers Christmas Day off but it's not okay to say "Merry
Christmas."

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their
stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt
Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small
flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then
her
parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of
them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the
knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
bare hands."

"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your
daddy give you from this horrible story?"




"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."!!

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While
waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in
Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited.
Two months passed and the couple is still waiting.
As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in
Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven.

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a
LAWYER!

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later,Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole tent.'

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of
money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6
kids to support"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.



It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



Military Retirement

The Air Force found they had too many officers and senior NCOs and
decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any anyone who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
$1,000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his
body.
The individual got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer, a lieutenant colonel, who accepted, asked that he be
measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was
measured
at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer, a colonel, who accepted, was a little smarter and
asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old master segeant, who, when asked where he
would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my
testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two volunteers had
received. But the old sergeant insisted and they decided to go along
with
him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
the his penis and began to work back.
Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old sergeant calmly replied... "Vietnam."

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



Subject: BUBBA on GRILLEN!!!


Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up
his outdoor grill and Cook A venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic ..
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from
eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks
was causing such a Problem for the Catholic faithful
that they finally talked to their Priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested he
become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended
Mass ... And as the Priest sprinkled Holy Water over him,
he said, "You were born a Baptist, and
Raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba 's neighbors were greatly relieved, until
Friday night arrived, and the Wonderful aroma
of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors
and as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a
rosary prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy
water he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat
and chanted:
you wuz born a deer, you wuz Raised a deer,
but now you'se a catfish.

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.

Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one in your head.)

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the Area code)

2. Multiply by 80

3. Add 1

4. Multiply by 250

5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

7. Subtract 250

8. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ??

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Ouch
 

Gordon wrote in
:

Next?



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is an older retired navy chief in his mid-sixties and the other
is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells
them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He
ate
my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she
throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion
stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired chief and
asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
the way."

Ouch
 

"Gordon" wrote in message
...
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything!"

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "a
beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste
funny to you?"

Patient; "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor; "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient; "Is it common?"
Doctor; "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Next?


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ;
they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Ouch
 

An atheist was walking through the woods

What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!
He said to himself

As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him

He turned to look and there was a 7 foot grizzly bear charging at him!

He ran as fast as he could but the bear was gaining on him!

He looked again and the bear almost had him!

He tripped and fell!

He rolled over and saw the bear was right on top of him reaching for
him with his left paw and ready to strike him with his right!

At that instant, the atheist cried out "Oh my God!"

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent.

As a bright light shone on the man, a voice came out of the sky
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident."
"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together. bowed his
head and spoke;


"Lord bless this food. which I am about to receive from thy bounty,
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Ouch
 

On Thu, 22 Nov 2007 02:51:11 +0000, Larry wrote:



"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a
LAWYER!

A fellow was tired of his wife refusing sex until after they went to
Mass, calling it sinful. So he asked his priest,
"Father, is it sinful to have sex before the Mass?"
He replied, "No son, it isn't. But please don't block the aisles."

Ouch
 

On Nov 22, 2:04 pm, Vic Smith wrote:
On Thu, 22 Nov 2007 02:51:11 +0000, Larry wrote:

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a
LAWYER!

A fellow was tired of his wife refusing sex until after they went to
Mass, calling it sinful. So he asked his priest,
"Father, is it sinful to have sex before the Mass?"
He replied, "No son, it isn't. But please don't block the aisles."

Thank you shipmates . . . one and all . . . some of these I had
already heard . . . but they were (nearly ) all great!!

A well timed laugh.

Take care . . .

John

Ouch
 

Guys,

Thanks for the humor. I have to go get a rag and clean the coffee off the
monitor!!!

Tom

"Gordon" wrote in message
...
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything!"

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "a
beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste
funny to you?"

Patient; "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor; "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient; "Is it common?"
Doctor; "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Next?