BoatBanter.com - "Oh God! I'm Glad to see you, I'm dead!"

It was one of the worse days I've seen here today
in Connecticut. The forecast winds were much
stronger than predicted, and it was cold as hell. I
decided not to go out and run any errands today.
This story that happened TODAY to a friend of mine
who is trying to get his boat down the ditch to Florida.
Names changed to protect his privacy. Minor editorial
changes.

Worth discussing. What was his first mistake? What was his second
mistake?

"When they pulled me from the ocean, I was barely alive. Sliding into
the Pacer wagon ambulette and hearing the doors close I thought, "How
did this happen?"
We'd set out on our small Nordic 30 with diminishing winds and swells,
confident that we'd make the 6 hour journey without incident. The small
Seagull outboard gobbled like a turkey with mad cow disease on
thanksgiving eve. Noting that the winds were under 12 knots and within
our safety zone we opted for a rare treat: to raise sail!!!
I unbuckled the leather belts I use to keep the sails wrapped tightly,
when one of them sprung open fiercely, striking me in the teeth. A
sickening tinkle alerted me to that fact that my two front teeth were
now lying in the socket of the starboard winch. In pain, but undaunted
we hanked on the sails and put them up. The raising ropes were stiff
from disuse, but up the sails went and after some experimentation, we
were sailing! Just then a breeze in excess of 14 knots sent our Nordic
into a desperate 4 knot plunge through a swell. I could hear her full
teak interior groan like Orson Wells belching up his last burrito. The
sound of strain on our poor vessel was as deafening as it was
maddening. Just then the temperature dropped from 60 degrees all the
way down to 54, as an icy zephyr raked our skin like frozen fish
sticks. Sizing up all the strikes against us, I decided to drop sail
and make for home again. We were still only 80 yards away from the
dock. What else could go wrong?
I yanked on the sail winding rope and it wouldn't budge. Again and
again I pulled and I could feel vertebrate in my spine chattering like
stale Rice Krispies. Remembering the winch I took a few wraps and
reached for the handle. But it wouldn't fit the socket as my teeth were
still trapped there amidst the blood and dental gore! Sails flapping
madly I dove for the mainsheet, banged my head on the boom and found
myself in the water. The boat, still making at least 3 knots and
wallowing like a disemboweled Manatee, rifled past me. I reached for
the boat, hands and fingernails scraping porous gelcoat, finding no
purchase, no swim platform to pull me from the icy depths. I started to
make for the slip, leaving my foul weather jacket in for warmth. I did
not make it.
But someone got to me. I was only 40 yards from shore where I went
under. A former lifeguard spotted me, tossed his walker aside, and
stole me from the next morning's papers.
As they wheeled me towards the E.R. I remembered reading that a person
in the water, close to shore, swims best without a foul weather jacket.
Just then, the velcro loop of my jacket hooked an IV stand, pulling it
down. It hit me in the head.
And now...I'm dead.

Sailing is a great teacher. Here are some initial lessons (for sailing

and for life):
1) Don't buy a Nordic 30. There's nothing to grab onto when you fall
off.
2) Never raise sail in winds above 12 knots.
3) Never swim for shore wearing a heavy jacket.
4) Always remove body parts from winch sockets and other marine gear.
5) Use sail bags instead of leather belts for stowage.
6) Tuck in your arms when on a stretcher or gurney.

See you in the afterlife!