BoatBanter.com - Saint Patrick's Day

YES!!!!

"Bob Crantz" wrote in message
ink.net...
From the fine folks at Landover:

Does America Really Need Another Excuse for Catholics to Get Drunk?

St. Patrick's Day

Freehold, Iowa - March is now upon us. It is the month that Catholics
cause
to come in like a lion eating True Christians™, and Baptists rescue and
make
go out like the Lamb of God. Right at this very moment, the Pope is
instructing his new cardinals, all wearing dresses the color of Satan's
rump, to open the lower dungeons of the Vatican and let loose their annual
storehouse of malignant leprechaun spirits to steal gold from wealthy,
blessed Evangelicals and spread green leprosy into the homes and
upholstery
of True Christians.

As always, Landover Baptist is well prepared for the demonic onslaught
this
year. "Saint Patrick's Day is like green beer - something the Lord never
intended," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We always get a little taste of
Catholic Hell on this 'so-called' holiday, made popular by Irish
layabouts,
who seem to think it is a badge of honor to come from an island without
snakes – even though it is chock-full of potato-boiling drunks.
Fortunately,
we have learned enough about Catholics in the past year to gird ourselves
in
the armor of faith and prepare for the invisible onslaught. For example,
thanks to the work of several fearless Baptists who worked spiritual
reconnaissance as undercover Sisters of Mercy last year, we now know that
St. Patrick's Day is referred to by all members of the Catholic cult as
'Green High Mass.' The "High" is a reference to the opium-laced incense
they
swing around in a big brass ball until the entire congregation is coughing
and screaming like Matthew Perry for one more hit of incense. After
several
incantations by the priest, the leprechauns usually shilly-shally their
way
out from under the toadstools they use to mark their little green graves
at
the front of what the Catholics call their "church." Ignorant folks think
that leprechauns look like precocious midgets with a little clay opium
pipe,
but I've seen scores of them and I'm here to tell you that they all look
like hamsters in a cheap suit."

So as not to be surprised by renegade leprechauns, Landover security
officers, painted green, crouch low, in wait for the leprechauns. "They
usually try to get in by the east gate," says Sgt. Richardson. "We go
through the same thing each year, and we are prepared with enough
ammunition
to blow an army of those little green demons straight back to Hell!"
Following a 100-year-old tradition, 2,000 Landover Security Officers start
firing into the trees at midnight on Saint Patrick's Day. The ammunition
runs out about six hours later, and on good faith, the officers leave the
scene, knowing in their hearts that the forest floor is littered with
piles
of dead leprechauns. "If it weren't for them crafty Catholics believing in
reincarnation, that would be the end of it," laments Pastor Wilkins. "But
those little green demons just take on a new form." Church officials
remark
that all of the trees in Freehold, Iowa sprout green leaves about a month
after each slaughter. Creation Scientists at Landover Baptist University
for
the Saved say that the green in the leaves occurs when green leprechaun
blood mixes with tree sap and is pumped by each of the tree's hearts into
the leaves. "Those leaves are just like those sneaky leprechauns," says
Pastor Wilkins. "They look green and innocent for a while, but the Lord
finally strips them of their disguise. By the time October rolls around,
those leprechaun leaves are bright red, the color of Satan, just before
the
Lord finally kills them and causes them to symbolically "fall" just as
that
miserable, lying harlot Eve caused us all to do 6,000 years ago."

Pastor Deacon Fred explains that leprechaun blood not only causes trees to
sprout green leaves each Spring, it also is the source of an ancient Irish
disease called, "leprosy." Pastor says: "Any numbskull can see that is why
they are called 'leprechauns.' All you have to do is look at those
critters.
Most of them are missing green fingers and toes. It's hard to tell, cause
they are so darned small, but take my word as a Christian - a hobo's bank
account has more digits." It is common knowledge among Bible-Believing
Baptists that St. Patrick, the first Jesuit pederast, was high on liquor
when he made a hellish pact with Satan's cousin, the king of the
leprechauns. In that pact, it was decided that only a Jesuit priest who
had
given his soul utterly and completely to Satan could command the
visibility
of leprechauns.

True Christian™ scholars note that recently, with funding from the
Catholic
Church, Hollywood has made several leprechaun movies in an attempt to
desensitize people to the dangers of leprosy. In all of the films, they
used
the same photogenic leprechaun who was actually a Jesuit priest's
housebroken pet. True Christian insiders tell us that during the first
Hollywood Leprechaun film, nearly eight actors contracted virulent cases
of
leprosy as a result of having to share a make-up trailer with one of the
ghastly little beasts. We also learned that the creature was not as "tame"
as the Jesuit priest implied. Each day, after consuming a drink called
"Black and Tan," which uses a beer made of human excrement called
"Guinness
Stout," the leprechaun would spiral into foul frenzy. "That little green
critter attacked a cameraman's testicles and gnawed off a child's arm to
the
shoulder," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Children wouldn't be so eager to sit
down to a bowl of Lucky Charms, if they knew how many little tykes before
them have looked down to see their leprosy-riddled hand drop off their
little wrist and plop into a puddle of soggy cereal – still holding a
spoon – while a little leprechaun on the cereal box laughed without
shame."