BoatBanter.com - Hey Jon, Vito and Bill, they're talking about you

Praise Jesus! It is with a cheerful heart that I tell you that the end of
the world is right around the corner. It may be a matter of weeks, not
decades, before the Lord's sandals touch down on what our wonderful
President calls "terror firma." Yes, as soon as the Lord Jesus arrives on
Earth He will start kicking human trash out of His way, making a beeline to
a handful of folks He actually wants to join Him in Heaven while sending
everyone from Chinamen to Episcopalians hurling straight towards the fiery
volcanic vulva that marks the entrance to Satan's abode. Friends, I haven't
felt this good about anything since they found that splattered Monica
Lewinsky dress. (Thank goodness, Godly Bill O'Reilly's sexual shenanigans
were all by phone so there is no physical evidence other than a dumpster
full of Energizer AA batteries.). Everything in the Book of Revelation is
coming true. George W. Bush, directed by God, Himself, is destroying life as
we know it, thereby facilitating the apocalypse that the apostles promised
would happen quickly after Jesus' death. Once it happens, the meek will
inherit the (now uninhabitable) earth and the rest of us will ascend to our
skyboxes in Heaven to watch the glorious carnage. Praise!

President "W," like someone with acute ADD and a TIVO remote control, has
done everything in his power to fast-forward our dull mortal life to get to
the good part where the world is destroyed and evangelical Christians are
raptured to Glory. W has taken America from being the most respected nation
on the Earth to being the most hated. He has turned an annual budget surplus
of hundreds of billions of dollars into a deficit that will easily exceed
over half a trillion dollars, in this fiscal year alone. He has turned the
clock on environmental regulation, completely dismantling that odious EPA,
allowing Christian corporations to spew whatever toxins they are most
confident will most closely approximate the conditions of death and
desolation that will trigger the Apocalypse. He put a stop to that
ridiculous treaty Clinton signed to end global warming because, after all,
couldn't global warming be one of the ways God plans to kill the planet, as
He promised to do in the Book of Revelation? Besides, doesn't global
warming just give most of the world a preview of coming attractions, if you
know what I mean? W has raised the poverty level and the rate of
unemployment to the highest levels they have been since the Great
Depression, more than 70 years ago. W has enacted legislation that allows
law enforcement officials to treat every one of us like the Nazis
justifiably treated those Christ-killing Jews over half a century ago (so
long as they say their actions are part of a "terror" investigation). W has
recreated the feudal society of medieval times in which a few are the rich
lords and the rest are the poor serfs. What better way to start a revolution
that may lead to the Apocalypse? You see, W is leaving no stone unturned
(except for those he decides to throw at that obnoxious, bleeding heart
do-gooder, John Kerry).

W has dramatically increased the number of terrorists who want to destroy us
with his innovative and powerful, "Because I said so, you foreign
buttwipes! " foreign policy. In short, he has done everything he can, with
and without regard to so-called political constraints, to accelerate the
time the godly will have to wait to be reunited with Jesus. He is obviously
impatient with the Lord, who has been promising imminent global destruction
for millennia. Our crafty President has decided that if he goes ahead and
gives the Lord a head start in destroying the planet, God will be more
inclined to jump on the bandwagon and finish things off, thwarting Democrats
' efforts at so-called "social justice." If we ensure W is re-elected, we
ensure the Rapture and the reunion with our beloved deceased family members
and purebred pets. If Kerry is elected, the world may survive a few more
decades, with homosexuals marrying, people's incomes rising, Americans'
freedom increasing, and a myriad of other social "advances" that can only
make folks less eager to pitch the planet into the trash, delaying the
inevitable Biblical demise.

There are still 215 adult members of this church who have not yet signed
affidavits swearing they will vote for Bush. You know fully well that
federal law prevents us from requiring you to sign such affidavits. However,
every one of you so-called "undecided" troop-hating knuckleheads are
scheduled to meet with Pastor Deacon Fred tomorrow at 6:00am sharp with
either an affidavit or a six-figure tithe. I strongly suggest you make those
appointments or you are going to think the Apocalypse started a little early
in your Christian home.

Bob
"Dave" wrote in message
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http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6453647/