BoatBanter.com - OT : 2004 Darwin Awards

2004 Darwin Awards

Finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards? It is an annual
honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's
winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled
over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees a

1.) A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

2.) Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

3.) A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and
hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police
say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

4.) A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

5.) Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas and presumed a leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power,
etc. After the building had been evacuated, two "technicians" from the
Gas Company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the
warehouse up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
but the Zippo lighter, being at the exact center of the resulting melee,
was virtually untouched by the explosion.

And the Winner:

6.) Based on a bet by the other members of his golfing threesome,
Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the
ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in
place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his
perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the post of the ball washer was more
than strong enough to support his body weight, and his sack was the
weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer,
while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez then broke a new $300.00 graphite Shaft
driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was Attempting
to use as a cane. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and
the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

This last one wouldn't normally count, because the golfer didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.